it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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