So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
