someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
