Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
