Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
why is half of my head shaved?
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