i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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