I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
