saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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