dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
