I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
