"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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