is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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