Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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