i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...