More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic