I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?