Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...