FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
