i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
