please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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