He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
