Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
