It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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