Will you blow on my dice?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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