So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
