Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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