This is not my ceiling
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize