i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
