I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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