haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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