Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
