One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
