When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
