i may or may not be watching the land before time
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
