I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
