my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
