Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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