i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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