I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
