I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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