There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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