My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
