As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
