I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
only if we run a train.
done.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
