Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think my fart just growled at me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
