woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
