I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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