dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
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she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
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you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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