I wish my penis had an off switch
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
