Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I did not marry a roomba.
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