i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
