i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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