her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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