Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
