Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.