Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?