My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
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there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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She kept screaming "best case scenario"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die