If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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