I wish my penis had an off switch
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
