I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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