You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
