also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
